You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
