i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
