somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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