They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
