How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize