I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
