11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
