i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
