maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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