I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
