i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
