Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize