when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
