i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
