Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Hippo gnu deer
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
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