just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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