A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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