I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
