Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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