i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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