the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Randomize
