connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
