There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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