yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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