you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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