Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize