You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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