well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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