You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
