I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
