Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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