Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
