my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
you had me at cake vodka
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
