His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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