Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
