you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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