I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
