he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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