Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
