So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
