I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
His nipple licking is glorious
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