She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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