i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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