Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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