Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
