So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
