I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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