My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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