I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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