Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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