What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
