haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
