it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
did i walk over a car last night?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
