if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
