I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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