i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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