There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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