Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
