Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
