How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Can you repeat that, but with context?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
